Audience Members Who Try to Impress the Performer

You've seen them. You know them. Dear god, please tell me you're not one of them.

You know when you go to a comedy show.. The comedian is up there, doing a spiffing job, being funny, doing what he's paid for. Then some ass in the audience thinks it would be fun to yell out jokes of his own. This obnoxious audience member is secretly (or not so secretly) hoping that the comedian will be wildly impressed with his humor, and will offer to take him on the road to be a part of the comedy act. Meanwhile, the rest of the audience wants to kill Mr. Obnoxious Man, and the comedian .. well, the comedian probably wants to do so as well, but more violently.

I don't really have much more to say on the subject at the moment. But this: Do you like it when a drunk person tries to give you pointers when you're playing pool in a bar? When you're practicing the piano? When you're trying to finish a project for work or school? No, you don't. Your abilities are being inhibited by a selfish and intolerable know-it-all. And, guess what? If you are the obnoxious audience member I am speaking of, this is the situation you are creating for your hero up there on stage.

Be respectful. Please.
Thank you.

Hangnails.

Picture it: you're going about your day. All is seemingly normal, by most daily standards. The sun is shining, there's a light breeze in the air, you just might be enjoying your favorite beverage. Then your cell phone rings. Or you need to grab your keys. Maybe your wallet. While inserting your hand into the pocket of your pants (or purse, if you're a lay-dee), you feel THAT PAIN. That twinge of panic that suddenly makes you retract your hand faster than Bush can shoot down a marriage bill. That, my friends, is the hangnail. If there is a god, I'd imagine that he/she/it gets an insane amount of pleasure watching the fleshy miscreants fiddle around with these inconveniencing little devils.

Naturally, when the hangnail strikes, you're usually at work. Maybe at the gym. Perhaps on a nice walk around town. Never is there a fingernail clipper handy. The hangnail knows this. They ALWAYS wait until you're as far away from your bathroom/bedroom/kitchen(?) or wherever you keep such grooming devices.

Once you get home to clip the vile appendage, it's more than likely already caused you so much pain and snagging on your clothing that cutting it almost seems futile. But you do it anyway. The hangnail has won. Again.